Saturday, April 29, 2006 @14:40
wow.. it's been ages since i blogged.. didn't have time to do so, not because i was busy going out and stuff, but just i had been staying at home all along and there isn't any computers.. well.. i went for the 'A' division matches last friday and last tuesday.. MI won one match against IJC(58-18) and lost another against TJC(56-16).. hmmm.. albeit being happy that they won one match, i kept wondering what was wrong with the team last year which we didn't even get close to having a draw..was it because the team was lousy or was it this team is better? till now, i still have yet to come to a conclusion.. naz was telling me that maybe because last year, shah'naz was feeling inferior as there were more seniors, and thus she can't perform.. not only that, i realised that the team this year is able to communicate better, be it on court or outside court..there's a mixed feelings inside me.. as a captain last year, it made me think of my capabilities of bringing everyone together as a team.. did i do a good job?netball is all about team game.. if there is anyone who feels that they don't belong to the team, it is hard for the team to shine.. well.. that's what i think.. people might not agree, but i don't care.. it's just how i feels.. the last game for the team is on 02/05/06, against RJC.. don't be frightened by the name, cause MI might have a chance to win them.. all the best, gals..went back to school on wednesday to play netball.. gosh.. it's been ages since i exercised.. it was really tiring for me..coach put me as GA.. haha.. and, i put in quite a few goals.. told her not to put me in that position already.. see.. now people know about my hidden talent.. haha..yesterday, i met jo and kum at toa payoh stadium cause they were having heats.. javelin.. hmmm.. don't be upset, k? i'm sure you can do better if you were given another chance.. after which, we went pastamania, then swensen's for dessert.. those times spent were really wonderful.. it's been a long time since we went out.. and i truly enjoyed myself.. thanks alot gals..and, jo, hope you like the little something.. it's nothing, but just a little message i'd like to convey to you..right now, raymond is playing winning eleven.. hmmm.. hope my mood does not sway again.. no matter what, just know that i love you..i'm looking forward to tomorrow's outing.. hope all will turn out fine!!!
Friday, April 21, 2006 @01:02
am i a cry baby? i think i am.. crying over the slightest thing!! it sucks!!! nothing is going the right way for me.. why? why? why?!just finished talking to raymond, and things didn't end off well.. i started the topic on this guy who didn't do well for his 'A' levels, went to poly and scored excellent results, then continued to study at Stanley University(or something).. it was my mum whom passed me the newspaper to read, and after that, she asked me if i can go to polytecnic to study for 'A' levels.. i just kept quiet.. then, raymond asked me why not consider it since they offer 2-year studies.. and what i told him was, isn't it for people who got full 'A' level certificate? but he said he wasn't sure, and suddenly, he remembered that i'm taking the diploma..what hurts me wasn't about him forgetting i'm taking the diploma, but rather the fact that i didn't have a full certificate.. but, he has to say, 'don't vent my anger for my mum on him..' dear, i'm not.. it's just.. never mind, you wouldn't understand..although it has been.. erm.. about 2months i've gotten the results, i still can't get over the fact..whenever i think of it, tears just roll down my cheeks.. it sucks!! it really does.. ever since that day, i guess my life changed.. i don't know how it changes, but it just seems different..more sad than usual, more moody than usual, more sensitive than usual, sleeping more late than usual..i chatted with dipti for awhile just now and she started kind of nagging at me.. but gal, if you are in my shoes, sorry, but i don't know how you'll take it.. you ain't me, so it seems easy for you to say.. but, it's not so easy to do it..few days ago, it was in the morning and i was sitting in the living room doing sudoku when my grandma suddenly asked, 'you are not retaking your 'A's?' i said no and told her that i'm only taking the diploma.. so, she said, 'then in the past, might as well don't take, just take the diploma.. now waste $400+ just for lessons once a week? if you had continued working, you'd have earned thousands over dollars..'well, people who know me, you'd know how i'd felt after hearing this..then, when evening came, i was in my room looking at my secondary school's magazine when my mum came back from work.. she asked, 'why? miss school ah?' i told her i've got nothing to do, so i'm just taking a look.. then, she said, 'you shouldn't have taken the diploma, then the school will surely let you retake your 'A' levels..'yup.. 2blows in a day.. i don't need people to keep reminding me of my failure!! once or twice is enough.. but, 5, 10, 100 times?! please!! give me a break!!!i can remind myself, i don't need people to constantly rub salt into my wound, alright!!!forget about it.. things just wouldn't get any better..ain, hope you are feeling better now.. not that i don't want to go to your place and visit you, but it's just too far for me.. i'm sorry.. you take good care, ya? miss ya, babe.. can't wait for you to stop your work.. haha..hmmm.. actually i've always wanted to have my own room, so that i can decorate it myself.. i've thought of moving in to stay with my mum, but the thought of mum nagging at me more, just puts me off the idea.. furthermore, if i move in, it means that i need to buy furniture, and it'll surely cost a bomb for my mum man.. haiz.. i don't know what to do.. even if i want, i just don't know how to tell my mum? wierd? i know.. but.. when can i have my own room? i've so many ideas of decorating it.. damn...
Tuesday, April 11, 2006 @03:10
i'm not asleep, as usual.. so, it's not surprising that i'm blogging at this time.. 0227.. hmmm.. actually i've nothing much to blog.. don't know what to write.. i'm just bored..chatted with my secondary soulmate just now.. khin.. she's currently in south africa.. i miss ya babe.. memories of us spending times together just flashed back.. how i wish you are here, right now.. to face things together, to have each other to solve everything together.. not to do everything alone.. well.. i know you wish to be here too.. but things ain't always going our ways.. haiz..come to think of it.. raymond always say that i've loads of friends.. but the truth is that i doubt so.. whenever i try to find someone to talk to, i can't find anyone.. whenever i try to find someone to go out with, there ain't a single soul.. is that the reason why since young, i've been keeping everything to myself, afraid to tell anyone anything? even now when raymond always ask me to tell him things and not to keep to myself, i find it hard to express myself? it's just so hard to say things out from my mouth.. i always like to use sms to express my thoughts, my feelings.. it ended up that 1000 free smses ain't enough for me every month, and i've to exceed it.. what can i do to open up myself? i tried but it seems to be hard.. i can't talk about serious things with people face-to-face.. gosh.. it sucks...by the way.. it's the 11th of the month again.. and.. it's my 10th month anniversary.. hmmmm.. but it's not time yet, cause raymond asked me to be his girlfriend at 11:11pm.. why? cause my favourite number's 11.. haha.. but.. he likes 10.. so it's a special day too.. although we can't spend time together on this date, dear, but when you get to read this, i just want to tell you that thanks for everything you've done for me.. i really appreciate you as my boyfriend.. i love you to bits.. muackzzz... hope that everyday will become better.. you are sleeping soundly now, i guess.. don't worry about me, ya? i'll go and sleep now, so don't nag at me, okay? =) loves~
Sunday, April 09, 2006 @03:20
sleepless nights for me again.. haiz.. i really don't know why.. guess i must go and buy sleeping pills.. have the whole bottle, and i don't have to worry about not sleeping, cuse i'll be sleeping forever.. lol..
hmmm.. went to school for my diploma exam today.. it sucks.. was so damn difficult.. i think i'm going to get a 'D' or an 'E'.. sucks man.. but, what's done cannotbe undone.. it just sucks.. never mind..
anyways, when i went to school today, i saw the notice board.. it has the lists for the award winners for Institute Day.. and guess what? no, no.. my name's not there.. although i wish.. remember i swore to myself that i'll work hard so that i can go up the stage to receive award.. to make my mum proud.. but.. reality sucks.. i didn't even get a full certificate.. haiz.. well.. enough of that.. the name on the board is raymond.. top student for management of business.. he's smart.. i'm jealous.. yes, true enough, i'm proud of him.. having my boyfriend to go up to stage to receive prize, witnessed by everyone from MI.. but.. i feel inferior..he's so much smarter than me.. i know this sounds crazy, but it's the truth.. i can't help but feel this way.. i feel useless.. i don't know.. *sigh*
enough of sad stuffs.. raymond picked me up from school today.. we went to takashimaya.. walked past levi's and they were having renovation sale.. we went in and we saw jeans which only cost $15!! yes, you didn't see wrongly.. there's no more zeros behind.. only $15!! so, he bought it.. i wanted to buy. but i'm broke.. you guys will ask, why never ask him to buy, right? well, i don't want.. although he's my boyfriend, i don't like using his money unless it's really necessary.. these jeans are just 'wants'.. i can do without them.. well, after that, we went seoul garden.. wanted to have lunch buffet, but we decided to have dinner buffet.. so, in the meantime, we went cineleisure to watch ice age 2.. it's not bad.. funny.. at seoul garden, we ate quite a bit.. although we weren't full, we couldn't continue.. why? because we were getting sick of the same food.. haha.. we decided to have dessert.. i made a bowl of ice kachang for him.. guess i added too much ingredients inside, he ended up eating few spoonfuls only.. *sob* then we had my favourite.. ICE-CREAM!!! lol.. we had to play some games and loser had to eat one spoonful.. haha.. i ate till i couldn't stop.. even if i didn't lose.. guess the table beside us must be thinking we are gluttons.. haha.. after dinner, we had a stroll to dhobby ghaut(i can never get the spelling right) for the arcade.. we were playing daytona and these three kids had to come and disturb us by joining us in the game twice.. was kind of irritated by them cause they kept staring at us when we walked past them.. oh well.. kids nowadays.. haha.. right now, raymond's sleeping at his grandma's place at hougang, after watching soccer.. i just don't understand guys, even some gals.. they just love soccer so much, and i mean alot.. haiz.. and now, i'm at my aunt's place.. guesswhat, people.. it's also at hougang.. haha.. anyways, guess i better try to sleep.. my panda eyes are back to find me.. gosh.....
Friday, April 07, 2006 @03:38
the time is now 0251 and i still can't sleep.. every night has been like this for me, don't know since when.. i've been having sleepless nights, and even after i sleep, i'll wake up few times in the middle of the night.. i don't know why..just chatted with dipti and she really made me think of things more thoroughly.. thanks alot, sweets.. i really needed that.. you really made me feel better.. well.. we were talking about my previous entry.. talked about raymond.. how much he loves me.. hmmmm.. i guess what she said is really true..i can't help but always feel sad.. i don't know.. she told me not to brood over the sad things but always think of those happy moments i spent with him.. she said that he might not be good with words, and thus show his love towards me through different means.. but, no doubt, sometimes i'll feel as though he doesn't care about me if he doesn't show it to me.. i know i'm wierd.. i can't help it..sometimes when i'm with raymond, i just feel insecure.. i don't know why.. it's like i want total control over him.. but, i know he wants freedom.. come to think of it, he has changed quite alot for me.. from someone who always stay home to be a good boy, to someone who always spend time out with me.. gosh.. i think you are influenced by me.. will your mum blame me? lol.. i hope not.. so, why am i still not contented? are my expectations too high? maybe.. just yesterday, i mean the day before, he booked out of camp and came to surprise me at my house, with a pair of adidas beach slippers.. i was really shocked to see him there, cause i didn't know he could book out.. he only came to see me for about an hour, and he had to book in.. sweet? i know he is.. even my aunt was jealous.. lol.. i'm really touched, dear.. thank you..sweetie, can you please tell me what else can i do, other than showing you my smiles, to make you happy? not only do you want me to be happy.. i want you to be happy as well.. have i love you enough? did i do things which made you feel loved? please tell me.. so that i can change.. i love you..
@00:45
i did something wrong to raymond.. it's something stupid, something childish.. i don't know why i did that but i did it..i lied to him.. i was given a chance to turn things back, but i didn't.. instead, i made things worse.. the good thing is.. he didn't blame me at all.. but, that's not the point.. i blame myself.. for having to do all that.. in the end, it's me who's feeling miserable.. i don't know when it started, but i've been feeling miserable.. i used to be a happy-go-lucky girl.. always so cheerful, having a smile which brightens up anyone's day.. well, that's what some people told me.. i was such a hardworking gal.. still remember when i was in sec 1, someone actually made me as her motivator.. why? because she said i was so hardworking that i paid attention during every lesson, and she felt threatened.. can you believe it? well, if you don't, i'm not surprised, cause i didn't believe it either.. but, soon after, things changed.. slowly, i wasn't how i used to be.. studies flunk, friends flunk, family flunk.. everything flunk.. just because of one stupid reason.. someone who doesn't need anyone to worry about, changed to someone who needs everyone to worry about.. what a dramatic change.. welll, things are different now, but still, i don't know if that's the reason which leads to how i'm feeling all these times..i've a serious doubt if i'm suffering from depression.. i came across this magazine yesterday and it talks about depression.. thera are two types of depression-major and minor.. major depression can lasts for few weeks, up to months.. while minor depression, also known as dy....(i forgot how it's spelt), can lasts for few months, up to years.. i'm wondering if i'm suffering from minor depression, cause the symptoms are quite similar to what i'm experiencing right now..i know i've been unfair to raymond.. i seem to be always angry with him, over the slightest thing that he did.. always upset with him.. getting jealous, even over a guy.. but.. i can't control.. things just happened so fast.. my mood just changed within a second, without me realising it.. when i realise, its too late.. i really don't know what to do.. sometimes, i just feel that the both of us are so different.. the way we look at things, our character.. it seems to clash.. maybe that's why we are always having disagreements? i don't know.. but, opposite attracts? still, i know that it's wrong of me to always throw my temper at him.. thanks, dear.. for always being able to tolerate my nonsense.. i know you always love to see my smile.. cause nothing beats that.. i promise you that i'll try my best to change, ya? i'll be the amanda that you once see, okay? loves~and not forgetting, jo.. thanks alot for listening to me that night.. really appreciate it.. erm.. i know you want me to write about you.. haha.. so, just a little something something for you, hope it somehow brightens your day.. =)